lff12

I think I'm delighted to report that now I'm at least 36 hours away from last time I heard from my "admirer."  I really hate using the word stalker as it has connotations around it that are not maybe the case.  What is the case however is that clearly this person is supremely deluded and I really should have noticed sooner.  Its only when I check back, cringing at emails I got that I realise what I'd missed (or skipped) - that this woman truly believed that somehow I was the woman of her dreams and that if she believed hard enough it would become true.  This is where it extended not just into begging, but in somehow managing to not offend me to an extent that I would cut her off.  But unfortunately it became clear to me that no matter what she said, it covered over the deepset conviction that this seemingly perfect woman was "the one" and would eventually just succumb to the inevitable.

Unfortunately the fact that I am polyamorous didn't help me.  That was interpreted as a Get-out-of-jail-free card by my admirer, who confused my idea of "friendship" with my occasional "friends-with-benefits" arrangements - in other words, that even if I didn't give her the commitment and adoration, she'd get the physical side of it.  And convincing her otherwise wasn't quite getting through - though she used all the right words to respond, I still felt that she was only saying it to keep up the lines of communication.

I've read a little since then about obsessional stalkers and how they behave.  By now she has surely noticed that I've shut down my match.com account to prevent her from contacting me, but you know, the strange thing, is the horrified fascination I've had with this.  I am hoping that she isn't clinical classically obsessed and so won't behave for a day or two and start up again.  My repulsion for the fact that she is about 7 dress sizes bigger than me (even at my worst, I've only ever been 2-3 dress sizes below my largest of partners, and only about 3 at most above my skinniest), is only matched by my horror at how she demeaned herself and repulsed me more by begging.

Well more anon.  If I get 4 full days I'll be relieved!!

I have to admit my experiences this weekend have actually been quite educational to me.  A couple of weeks ago I casually met up for a few drinks with a lady who I wasn't really sure about but said, what the hell, I'm single, I've nothing to lose.  She had been texting me about 100 times a day but it was clear when I met her that she wasn't interested.

I am never one to beg.  I was curious of there being any other reason for her not contacting me the day after so next day I said straight "was it something I said?" and she gave me what could have been a good excuse, had she then after that exchange not contacted me since.  Course, I haven't contacted her either - I left the ball in her court, knowing that if the excuse was a valid reason she'd contact me, and if not, I wouldn't be hearing from her.  I haven't heard from her, so I take it that is that and won't demean myself by trying to make anything of something that isn't there.

You see, desire is a funny thing - its either there or it is not.  If its not, you cannot force it.  If it dies its not easy to revive - thats why so many couples are in therapy.  If something else happens - well things get complicated.  To this day a former partner of mine's current partner harbours an intense grudge against me - I suspect not so much out of fear or jealousy but because we almost had a thing going at one point and dealing and working through the ramifications of that in her particular context would be well - complicated.  Far simpler to just be really jealous of me instead.

But I'm seeing a brief insight into the other side of the coin - when somebody simply adores you but you don't share the feeling.  Now generally if I like somebody and they don't like me, I just let it go - no point in flogging the dead horse or resorting to begging which will only breed their contempt and annoyance.  Similarly if anybody ever took a shine to me but I said no, I've rarely, rarely ever had persistence.  Not beyond one evening anyway.  And usually in the context of plenty of alcohol.  I've never had somebody who treated me as if I was their perfect ideal still two days after I'd explicitly said "it is never going to happen between us."  I've never had somebody tell me that I am a "non judgemental" person (I'm anything but) and try to tell me their days problems before they still delude themselves into thinking a) I might actually want to hear and b) its not going to alienate me still further.  Full stop I've never had somebody insist to me that no, they don't deep down still believe their dream will come true and I'll succumb eventually to their charms when its quite obvious that they actually think I already have.

Frankly, I've never been on the receiving end of this kind of obsessional, delusional behaviour and I'm extremely uncomfortable about it.  So it looks as if I will have to be cruel to be kind and shut off all contact of any kind.  Sad as I hate doing this.